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October 13, 2005

Manners?!?!?!

I have posted in the past about my dislike for "Parents" magazine. (See the final topic on the post.) It still comes to us free and my husband reads it when there is nothing else to read. He pointed out a question asked in their Manners Q&A section.


Q: About six months ago, I gave our neighbors some of my old baby gear and furniture when they had their newborn. Now I'm unexpectedly pregnant again, and I need the crib, high chair, and stroller. Is it rude to ask for them back?

My reply would be:

Uh, ya! That is rude. But there is nothing wrong with letting them know you are pregnant. They might even return the items on their own.

Here is the magazine's reply: (emphasis mine)


A: Not at all. In fact, you were generous to help your neighbors out in the first place. Or course, your gift turned out to be a loan, but it wouldn't make sense for you to have to buy replacement baby gear. Your neighbors will surely understand the situation. Just say "I'm pregnant again! I'm sorry, but I'll need the crib, high chair, and stroller back. The baby's due in June, so it would be great if you could return them to me by the end of May." If you know of other potential sources of used baby gear, such as mutual friends, secondhand baby stores, or Internet sites, let your neighbors know.

OH MY!!! Surely they will understand?!?!?!? If it was me, I would be mad. If she GAVE the items to me and then found out she was pregnant, I would give them back as soon as I got replacements. My husband said that would be the same as giving someone a Christmas gift, losing your job in January, and asking for the gift back since you need the money. Jeez!

Posted by on October 13, 2005 07:13 PM |

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I would tell them the happy news, and hope (silently) that they would return the neighborly gesture as their baby grew out of what I lent them. But you know, on the other hand, I might just tell my hubby that this is just the excuse I need to do some good-for-the-soul shopping :)

What a pile. You do not ask for a gift BACK. That's why it's a gift..... The lesson to be learned here is that you don't give the baby things away until it's medically impossible to conceive again :)

Posted by: caltechgirl | October 13, 2005 08:07 PM

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What if the neighbor didn't have the crib and other things for whatever reason? Things could have broken or they could have sold them. And I don't agree with Parents answer. How tacky! You could use those sources that they suggested yourself to replace what you need.

Posted by: PrimoDonna | October 13, 2005 09:13 PM

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Q: About six months ago, I gave my neighbour a new gold watch to congratulate him on his retirement. Now I'm unexpectedly going into early retirement, and no one has bought me a gold watch. Is it rude to ask for the watch back?

A. Of course it's not rude! Your neighbour will certainly understand that the gift was only a loan. You could even give him the addresses of some good jewellers where he can buy himself another watch. (Oh, and while you're asking him for the watch, you should also remind him of that toaster you gave him last Christmas -- how were you to know that your own toaster was going to break down...?)

Posted by: Ben | October 16, 2005 08:02 PM

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I'm with you on this one Parents Magazine was way off with that answer. The logic wasn't there when they wrote that response.

Posted by: BlogCruiser | October 16, 2005 09:25 PM

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Ugh, I have never liked Parents magazine either... what an answer! How totally tacky! I would never consider doing such a thing.

Posted by: GradualDazzle | October 17, 2005 02:51 PM

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I'm with you on this one. Unless they specified it was a loan until their next child, consider it theirs. I can't believe the magazine responded otherwise.

Posted by: Becky | October 18, 2005 07:04 PM

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I'm 100% with you on your disgust with PM. A gift is never a loan. If this is an example of what the mag is like, then it's a sad commentary on the state of our culture that such a mag can gain readership.

But then, it obviously exists to fill a need for validation by people who are ethically challenged, such as the doof that asked the question.

Posted by: David | October 19, 2005 07:44 AM

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Addendum: " The lesson to be learned here is that you don't give the baby things away until it's medically impossible to conceive again :)"

Nah, Caltechgirl. You DO give such things away for two reasons:

1.) Building community. If your neighbor has need of something you don't really think you will need again, give it to them. If you end up needing it again, you can ask for a LOAN of it (with the FULL understanding that it no longer belongs to you) or simply replace it yourself. It is in the giving that we build community.

2.) For the magical assertiion that what you don't have in your life will not likely cause a contagious response in your life to fill it. That is, no baby clothes around=no babies! This doesn't work, of course, but it's a comforting neurosis. heh

Posted by: David | October 19, 2005 07:48 AM

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I totally agree! That is soooooo tacky and rude to ask for a gift back!! I had a similar situation happen to me recently. A "friend" of mine had given me a beautiful ring about a year ago because she said I was like family to her. Well..... yesterday morning I get a call and she said she wants it back, she made a mistake, and the ring should be with her and hopes this won't affect our friendship!!!! To top it off she wanted me to pay to ship it to her in Arizona which I refused to do!! She hurt my feelings deeply, but I decided that I don't want the ring if since she ruined the sentiment of it for me and am going to return it to her sister who lives in my area. What's wrong with people? Where is common courtesy? Even my 11 year old knows better and thought that was a very mean and childish thing to do. My mom always taught me to be a gracious giver and once the gift is given, it is theirs to do with as they wish.

Posted by: Aimee | November 27, 2005 01:57 PM